John lived in New York. Polly lived in Paris. For many years business took Polly to the Big Apple where she would have wild, passionate trysts with John. One day, Polly’s work moved her to New York. After the move closer to John, she began to feel stifled by the relationship that had previously attracted her so strongly. She felt that John’s behavior, which before had been so appealing, now imposed a level of control over her to which she was not prepared to yield. As long as she was far away, she had the protection of physical and emotional distance, which did not threaten her sense of independence. Now that they were close by, new dynamics had begun to surface. The advances that before had been so delightful now seemed demanding and possessive. When they had been apart, she had longed for him. Now the opposite was true — when they were apart, she felt relieved.
Psychologist Dr. Patricia Webbink demonstrates that in the dance of love all of us have our own “intimacy pattern,” a repeating constellation of behaviour, thoughts, and emotions that emerges when we enter a close relationship, a pattern that makes or breaks many intimate partnerships. Those who rush to intimacy “lose” themselves in their partners and feel that romantic relationships are the most important thing in their lives. They are most likely clingers. Those who flee from intimacy find it difficult to maintain long-term relationships, often crave to be alone. They retreat from loved ones and are probably stingers. Those who balance their need for autonomy with their need for closeness are centered.
Typically a clinger is a needy person who depends on the relationship for everything. They have trouble thinking for themselves and are uncomfortable doing things alone. The stinger, on the other hand, is strong and independent but often fears commitment. This is the person who can do things for her or his lover but who has trouble saying affectionate words. The stinger tends to withdraw from the relationship as it gets closer and feels uncomfortable with intimacy.
As a licensed psychologist of forty years, Dr. Webbink has treated people of all walks of life and intimacy patterns. She has helped them to better understand themselves and their partners utilizing the stinger-clinger model, and in Stingers and Clingers in the Dance of Love, Dr. Webbink will bring this wisdom to millions more.
You can find the online version of Dr. Webbink’s “The Intimacy Dance of Stingers and Clingers” here.